“Strong and Brave”

“ You are so strong” “ you are so brave” 

I am…

I am strong, I was born with an internal compass that has always used its magnetic force to navigate towards the positive. There’s a lot of protection there and sometimes there’s denial and a hard lesson to learn later. 

I am brave, I’ve actually never considered this trait about me, I never thought I had a choice. I just moved forward in every challenge that presented with my internal compass from above. 

My son died, my son died by suicide. I walked in to our home together and witnessed my deepest and darkest fear. There it was playing in slow motion. 

Why do we scream? I screamed, not because I thought anyone would hear me, because it just came as naturally as the tears of joy did the day I first saw his face. I remember in the days that followed, my raspy voice and tender swallow was a physical reminder of my attempt to fight reality. No! No! No!!

I remember the first time I slept, it took a few days and some medication. Waking up for the first time. No! No! No! I screamed through the pain each vibration made in my throat. “ Get me out of here” I told my husband so that I could scream without the neighbors hearing me. We got in to the car and I said “ Take me to the hospital, I’m going to die” but I knew what would happen there would not save me from this pain. “Just keep driving” No! No! No! 

I can’t breathe, I can’t do this, I am going to die. 

And I didn’t

Photo Credit: Heather D’Anca

 it seems cruel that the visceral burning pain that starts from deep inside your gut, a pain that vomiting wouldn’t relieve. It travels up your chest… there that’s where it could happen. The loving, humane, and compassionate God could just stop a beating heart with that pain. 

And it doesn’t 

And so you are brave and you are strong.